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joke thread

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by RAP72 » Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:09 pm

>A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for
>xxx£100.00.
>
>
>
>The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the
>farmer drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the
>donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead. Gordon replied,
>"Well then, just give me my money back."
>
>
>
>The farmer said, "I can't do that, because I've spent it already.
>Gordon said, "OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway. The
>farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?" Gordon answered,
>"I'm going to raffle him off."
>
>
>
>To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead
>donkey!"
>
>But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can,
>you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead." A
>month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened
>with that dead donkey?"
>
>
>
>Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a
>piece, and made a huge, fat profit!!"
>
>
>
>Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you
>had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being
>dead?"
>
>
>
>To which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the
>donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his
>prize. So I gave him his xxx£2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra
>xxx£200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he
>thought I was great guy!!
>
>
>
>Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the
>Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money
>he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some
>of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he
>was a great guy.
>
>
>
>The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to
>play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country
>for once in his miserable, lying life, think again my friend,
>because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey.
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by RAP72 » Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:12 pm

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
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by John D » Wed Apr 11, 2007 7:16 am

Five Surgeons!

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like Engineers ...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:

"You're all wrong. Council Officials are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the mouth and the politician are interchangeable!"
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by Wallace » Wed Apr 11, 2007 10:05 am

Little Johnny

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up."

After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am," he says, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
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by Wallace » Wed Apr 11, 2007 10:07 am

Liza was a 93-year-old woman who was getting more and more despondent over the recent death of her lover. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out her lover's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken anyway.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Liza was admitted to the local hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee!
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by John D » Wed Apr 11, 2007 10:34 am

Some of the finest double-entendres on British TV & Radio..........

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."


Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse.
I once rode her mother."


Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - " Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew."


US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"


Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."


A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that
eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!


Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69."


Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."


Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."


Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They
seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in
his shorts."


Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
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by RAP72 » Wed Apr 18, 2007 12:12 pm

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid"
convention.

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to
the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza
shouts Seventy.

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start
chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press
and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.

So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually
says," Ninety?"

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands
shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good Eventually
says, "What is 2 plus 2?"

Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a
whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd
stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and
scream..................


....

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

i was going to convert Geordies into Estate Agents, but I currently live under a threat
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by interjen » Thu Apr 19, 2007 7:00 pm

Cats and Dogs......

DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
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by Barrie » Thu Apr 19, 2007 7:19 pm

RAP72 wrote:53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid"
convention.

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to
the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza
shouts Seventy.

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start
chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press
and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.

So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually
says," Ninety?"

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands
shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good Eventually
says, "What is 2 plus 2?"

Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a
whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd
stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and
scream..................


....

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

i was going to convert Geordies into Estate Agents, but I currently live under a threat


Threat?
Moi?
Bored yet? (Bored, board, geddit?)

I'll get m' coat
B
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by 1chw » Thu Apr 19, 2007 11:45 pm

Here is the definitive guide to the major economic systems and how they operate in various countries. Economic Models explained - with Cows

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, so you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then files the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you
get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it
worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they
are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn
you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows because your sobering up and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINA CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers.

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

IRISH CORPORATION. You have two cows...or is it three? What matters? Shure, aren't you well off to have even one.
Charles Wheaton,
Interceptor Mk III, '73
136/8512
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by Dave C » Mon Apr 23, 2007 8:22 pm

Must be cows week.
Invest in a Jensen they said, they're not making them anymore.
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by Wallace » Tue Apr 24, 2007 2:49 am

M13.7 BSW.
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by Dan Smith » Thu Apr 26, 2007 6:54 pm

I got Jacky a new belt and bag for her birthday.



Hoover works great now!!
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by RAP72 » Thu Apr 26, 2007 9:06 pm

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.


While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles"

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way,
"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.




"Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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by John D » Fri Apr 27, 2007 6:45 am

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..! It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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