joke thread

[jpmf]

An American on holiday in the west of Ireland wanted to play some golf so he asked at the hotel's club house if there was anyone he could pair up with for a round the following morning.

'Paddy will surely play with you' the manager told him and then duly introduced him.

The American asked Paddy what time in the morning he would be able to tee of, 'About nine o'clock, but I could be half an hour late' Paddy replied.

The following morning Paddy arrived on the dot of 9am and the pair teed off with Paddy playing left handed and hit straight down the centre of the fairway. The two had a great round of golf and agreed to play again the following morning.

The American again asked Paddy what time in the morning he would be able to tee of, 'About nine o'clock, but I could be half an hour late' Paddy replied.

The following morning Paddy arrived on the dot of 9am and the pair teed off with Paddy playing right handed and again hit straight down the centre of the fairway.

Yet another great round of golf was had by the pair and they agreed to meet again in the morning. 'What time will you be able to tee off tomorrow?' the American asked. 'About nine o'clock, but I could be half an hour late'.

Curiosity got the better of the American and he asked Paddy why he played left handed the first round but right handed the second?

Paddy replied 'When I wake up in the morning I look at my wife, if she is lying on her left side I will play left handed, and if she is lying on her right side I will play right handed'.

'But what would happens if your wife is lying on her back?' the American asked. 'Oh!, I'll be half an hour late!'

[AH1951]

To eliminate range anxiety while driving your electric car, install a Honda petrol generator unit in the boot and you can drive with your car permanently plugged in.
(Or tow it behind you.)

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[RAP72]

Glad to see Grant is protected

[Grant]

Glad to see Grant is protected

Why are you sneaking around taking pictures of me Stevey?

[AH1951]

Fly from London Gatwick to Montreal, Canada, on Friday March 13th.
At $285 one-way, it's too good a deal to pass up, even if you don't really want to go.

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[Pymmie]

A glimpse into the future ?

John P

[AH1951]

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[RAP72]

The top ten coronavirus jokes

10. I know a great joke about the Corona virus, but you probably won't get it.

9. A man walks into a bar. "I'll have a Corona, hold the virus."

8. I sneezed in the bank today – it was the most attention I've received in ten years.

7. With all this talk of Corona virus the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.

6. I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant what killed the Corona virus.
"Ammonia cleaner,” she replied.
“Oh, sorry,” I replied, "I thought you worked here ..."

5. Someone with a cold: "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
Someone with Corona virus: "I feel terrible, I think I'll go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white-water rafting in Camino de Santiago."

4. Don't worry, the Corona virus pandemic won't last long – it was made in China.

3. Definition of irony: when the Year of The Rat starts with a plague.

2. Ok, so if the Corona virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?

1. Before Corona virus I used to cough to cover a fart. Now I fart to cover a cough.

[Pymmie]

This made me laugh in these dark days ..

John P

[RockyUSA]

...I went to the liquor store and asked for a case of Corona...

...and the sales clerk sneezed on me !!!

[RAP72]

...I went to the liquor store and asked for a case of Corona...

...and the sales clerk sneezed on me !!!

that's the reason there is a shortage of toilet paper. One person sneezes and 100 people sh1t themselves.

[Dion]

The items most people in Germany are hoarding now are sausages and cheese. They are preparing for a Wurst Käse scenario.

[RAP72]

On the last occasion that Prince Charles visited Australia, he attended a function at Wagga Wagga, where he was met by various dignitaries, including the Mayor of Wagga Wagga. Whilst having a cocktail, the Mayor said to the Prince "Your Highness, it's quite a hot day and yet you have chosen an unusual style of headwear, a fur cap. Isn't that quite hot and uncomfortable?" The Prince replied "Well, yes, it is actually, but it was Mummy's idea". "I'm sorry, Her Majesty told you to wear it?" said the Mayor. "Oh, yes" replied Charles. "I spoke to her by telephone this morning. She asked me what I was doing today and I told her I was attending a reception at Wagga Wagga. She then said 'Wear the fox hat'"

[AH1951]

Our local supermarket had run out of almost everything when I got there earlier this evening.

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[AH1951]

She's my new driver now.