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joke thread

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by Chris_R » Tue Dec 10, 2019 2:14 pm

Well said Colin, I was thinking just the same.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! Boom Boom!!

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam. Boom Boom!!

A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf. Boom Boom!!

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. And then it hit me. Boom Boom!!

I won't give up the day job just yet.
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by Grant » Tue Dec 10, 2019 2:17 pm

Last Christmas I got Lara a New Belt and a Bag :wink:
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Since then the Hoover has worked brilliantly :P
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by Chris_R » Tue Dec 10, 2019 2:29 pm

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by Grant » Tue Dec 10, 2019 2:35 pm

I've done really well of late actually with cutting down on the FaggiesImage, I only smoke after meals nowImage.. I'm down to twenty meals a dayImage
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by RAP72 » Tue Dec 10, 2019 4:08 pm

A class went on a trip to a farm.
The next day, the teacher asked the children what they had seen.

Little katie stands up and says
"Well Miss, I saw some pigs and some lambs"

Then Peter puts up his hand and says
"I saw a haystack, some sheep and a sheepdog."
"Very good" says the teacher. "anyone else?"

Little Alfie jumps up and says
"I saw some pigs, some cows and some fuc*ers"
The teacher looks shocked, and says "I'm sure you didn't Alfie", to which he replies
" I did Miss. The farmer called them effers, but I know what he meant"
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by Martin R » Wed Dec 11, 2019 12:15 am

Q. What do you call a fly with no wings?
A. A walk.
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by JHV8 » Wed Dec 11, 2019 4:26 pm

Christmas cracker joke

Q: What's got four legs and flies

A: A dead dog
16 valves but 4 extra pistons.

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by VFK44 » Wed Dec 11, 2019 6:21 pm

Cracker joke:
What type of medicine does Dracula take?

Con medicine.
"It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time."
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by VFK44 » Wed Dec 11, 2019 6:26 pm

VFK44 wrote:Cracker joke:
What type of medicine does Dracula take?

Con medicine.


Yes, I know it's even less funny than the usual cracker jokes, but this version has been circulating for at least the last 3 years and will no doubt appear again on this year's high street crackers. It's apparently a problem with the font used, and should read: "coffin medicine".
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You can now be the only person at the table this Christmas who can explain it!
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by Chris_R » Wed Dec 11, 2019 7:46 pm

That's not the only font problem this Christmas:
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by VFK44 » Wed Dec 11, 2019 11:54 pm

UGHTS? what are they?
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by RAP72 » Tue Dec 17, 2019 7:20 am

A man and a woman who had never met
before, but who were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned
to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, they were both very
tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and
gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you
be willing to reach into the closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for
tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own
gently flowering blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End.
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by AH1951 » Tue Dec 24, 2019 9:21 am

For anyone who doesn't ever want to travel on the Boeing 737 MAX after it's been fixed up, MoT'd and put back into service, be aware that it might not be obvious which type you are boarding.
Ryanair are re-labelling theirs as 737-8200 and VietJet's will be known as 737-8.
Why are there no Climate Change protests in China?
China is already communist.
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by VFK44 » Tue Dec 24, 2019 11:16 am

AH1951 wrote:...
Ryanair are re-labelling theirs as 737-8200 and VietJet's will be known as 737-8.


Umm... I think this advice, not a joke?
"It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time."
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by AH1951 » Tue Dec 24, 2019 11:30 am

.
Last edited by AH1951 on Tue Dec 24, 2019 12:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Why are there no Climate Change protests in China?
China is already communist.
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