joke thread

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Richie
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Re: joke thread

Post by Richie »

Similarly...
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Pymmie
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PJ & Drunken

Post by Pymmie »

Oh Dear!

Saturday night lock in ...
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Previous Jensen Owner 2010-2022 (128/4451)

Understeer - Hitting the fence with the front of the car
Oversteer - Hitting the fence with the rear of the car
Horsepower -How fast you hit the fence
Torque - How far you take the fence with you
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ChrisL
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Re: joke thread

Post by ChrisL »

My pet mouse Elvis died today.

He was caught in a trap.
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ChrisL
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Re: joke thread

Post by ChrisL »

Fourteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs and Not Wives

1. The later you are, the happier your dog is to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.

4. Dogs' parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go. Instantly, 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.

11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.

12. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.

14. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.

To verify these statements lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!
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Dion
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Re: joke thread

Post by Dion »

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The future ain’t what it used to be.

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AH1951
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Re: joke thread

Post by AH1951 »

Flowerbed
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VFK44
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Re: joke thread

Post by VFK44 »

Light bulb- very.
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"Now that chassis number is particularly interesting ‘cos it’s the one after the one before, which is the one after mine, not many people know that"
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DaveT
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Re: joke thread

Post by DaveT »

this appeared in our local newspaper last week!
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Dave Turnage
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RAP72
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Re: joke thread

Post by RAP72 »

You may have heard this back country Aussie Guy before, his monologs are legendary.



http://www.youtube.com/embed/r0kIj_PIpaI" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
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RockyUSA
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Re: joke thread

Post by RockyUSA »

Did you hear I got fired from my job at the orange juice company?

I couldn’t concentrate!

After that I got a job at the Singer Sewing Company. But I had to quit.....

They needled me too much!
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AH1951
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Re: joke thread

Post by AH1951 »

If, after you die, you were to come back on Earth as a small red and white tin of condensed milk, would that be re-in-Carnation?
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RockyUSA
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Re: joke thread

Post by RockyUSA »

Did you hear that they were going to remake the movie “Dunkirk“ because of the criticism that the entire movie was filled with white guys?

It’s true.

They have just cast Oprah Winfrey to play the part of Winston Churchhill.

Neil Patrick Harris will be playing the part of Eva Braun.
‘71 TVR Vixen 2500 - (M Series Tribute)
'72 Interceptor III - 133/5597
'73 DeTomaso Pantera
'74 Toyota Land Cruiser FJ-40
'95 Jaguar XJS Convertible
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RAP72
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Re: joke thread

Post by RAP72 »

Just been to the shops and swapped 50 raisins for 75 sultanas. Can’t believe the currant exchange rate!
David Devine
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Re: joke thread

Post by David Devine »

……………… TERRIBLE NUMBERS JOKE ……………………..





Travelling in my MG XPower SV, with the all new highly secret “All Electric 4 x 4 MG6 experimental model !!! “ , (this is fictional, just so you know…….. you can change this to any make or model you so desire) ” following me, we arrived at the Italian Autostrada toll exit, on the E64 heading to Brescia, for the Mille Miglia weekend, when we had to pull up behind a line of cars for police inspections and the car in front was a Audi Quattro and the story goes like this…………….











“ Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian Autostrada Peage Exit………..



The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It'sa illegal to putta 5 people in de Quattro."



"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.



"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.



Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."



"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!," replies the Italian customs agent.



"Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."



The German driver replies angrily, - "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"







"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. ……………………. !!!





He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno. !!!







With deepest apologies to all at, Audi, Fiat and the German and Italian people .
Richie
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Re: joke thread

Post by Richie »

From the Edinburg Fringe...
"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."Adam Rowe
"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse
"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel
"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt
"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan
"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh
"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse
"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff
"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman
"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx
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