Joke thread 2021

[ChrisL]

You knew it was coming...

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[RAP72]

got this from Australia today

Definition of an optimist

A pom buying a ticket for the fifth day of an Ashes test

[RAP72]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supplying a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
6. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it'slike, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

[Grant]

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?"

The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

[RAP72]

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[RAP72]

not sure this belongs in the Joke thread. but more from an Australian gentleman [if that is not an oxymoron]



The Aussie black sense of humour!




Q What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?

A. A laughing stock.



Q What is the height of optimism?

A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.



Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?

A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.



Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?

A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.



Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?

A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.



Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?

A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.



Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?

A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

[sespie]

I have a recollection from years ago of a puerile American movie where Chevy Chase was a proctologist who had a personalised number plate that said “ASS MAN”.
Well…

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[RAP72]

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I saw this in a car park the other day.

[RAP72]

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[VFK44]

The Fred cartoon reminds me of the work of the incomparable John Ditchfield in Autocar magazine. For a few prolific years in the 1980s he transformed from a civil servant to a cartoonist who gently captured the humour of motoring in a world that forever seemed to be the '50s. Then, he suddenly decided he'd exhausted all his funny ideas and left, never to be heard of again.

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[Grant]

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[RAP72]

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[Chris_R]

It's been reported that Vladimir Putin's guards collect his poo whenever he travels and take it back to Russia with them. This is to prevent foreign powers learning about the state of his health.
One might think this is disgusting but apparently it's quite an honour to be guarding Vladimir's Pootin.

[Barrie]

Do you panic when approaching the petrol station?
And break out in a sweat when refuelling your car?
Do you feel sick when paying for it?
You probably have Carownervirus.

Boom-boom!

[kenny38]

A Grass Hopper walked into a bar. The bar tender exclaimed "Hi, we have a cocktail named after you". "What, Keith?'' replied the grass hopper. kenny38