Top Tips

[AH1951]

Receive compliments about how young you look by telling everyone you are 25 years older than your actual age.

[Peter Heywood]

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I got this from a German mag, probably Oldtimer-Technik. Idea was to wash out and dry, a pump type soap dispenser and use it for removing liquid from radiators, float chambers, fluid reservoirs etc. My favourite is to suck out the debris from the bottom of the float chamber, without removing all the fuel, see picture

[Richie]

That's a genuinely useful top tip.

How about this one?

Make batteries last longer by only putting them in a clock when you need to know the time.

[VFK44]

Peter, after his fabulously useful tip (I'll be saving the plunger from my next soap dispenser), forgot to add "make a handy plastic bowl by hacking the bottom of a 2-litre lemonade bottle" Also, "give the bowl a quick wipe around to remove the fuel and fill it with peanuts for when your wife's relations come for drinks".

[Jen I V8]

When removing petrol from a rusty tank or pouring petrol into the tank
from a dirty canister you can use the wife's tights to filter the petrol to keep
it nice and clean. Then if you like to rob banks you can put the tights over
your head to disguise yourself just like a real tough bank robber from the
1970's, not like the modern soft bank robbers that use prime minister or
American president masks.
And if in winter if it's rather cold you can cut the gusset out and wear them under
your trousers to stay nice and warm.
And they are free out off the wife's top drawer

[AH1951]

If your speedometer is not reading accurately, for an inexpensive solution, just stick some paper squares on the dial, having the correct numbers written upon them.

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[cannonball]

You might think that pleasing your wife would be a good idea, but not necessarily.
When my wife left me, taking our two girls with her back to Montreal, saying she couldn't stand living in Indonesia any more, I asked her if it would be OK if I just married somebody else.
She said, "Of course, just go ahead, don't worry about me and the girls, I'll be delighted if you do that."
So when I phoned her four weeks later, to give her the good news that I had married someone else, I was a bit surprised when she burst into tears,
and called me a heartless b*stard.
Honestly, there's just no pleasing some people!

That,s mint,,

[Peter Heywood]

Is there only me taking this seriously?

Actually, keep going with the jokes. They are very funny.

Peter

[AH1951]

Avoid cold-starting worries by leaving your car's engine running 24/7 while on your driveway.
If some interfering busybody nags you about pollution/Global Warming/Climate Change, just tell them your car has a special kind of air-conditioning called Climate Control, and that you have set the temperature to Low, so you are actually helping the environment.
Avoid taking trips in the car, unless you are just going for a joyride, as leaving the car parked, running & unattended while not on your property is probably illegal.
(Although your friends' driveway might be OK.)

[PaulMcElhinney]

Get one of those Irish video recorders that records the programmes that you don't like then plays them back when you're out.

[Richie]

Some motoring Top Tips...

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.

[ajm541s]

Avoid cold-starting worries by leaving your car's engine running 24/7 while on your driveway.
If some interfering busybody nags you about pollution/Global Warming/Climate Change, just tell them your car has a special kind of air-conditioning called Climate Control, and that you have set the temperature to Low, so you are actually helping the environment.
Avoid taking trips in the car, unless you are just going for a joyride, as leaving the car parked, running & unattended while not on your property is probably illegal.
(Although your friends' driveway might be OK.)

In the handbook for the 1935 RR my father once owned, frost precautions were the usual guide to use of radiator muffs etc, but also included the instruction 'If the car is likely to be left outside while dining with friends and it is not possible to put it into a motor house, throw a rug over the bonnet and leave the engine ticking over until ready for the return journey'

[Keith]

Get one of those Irish video recorders that records the programmes that you don't like then plays them back when you're out.

I understand you're going over to Dublin next week? Can you bring me one of those back please?

[VFK44]

Get two, and you can get rid of those programmes you've already watched but didn't enjoy.

[Frankoid]

Are you fed up with shoe sole repairs? Rather than buying whole shoes just get a pair of leather uppers and place on your feet. You will never have worn out soles again. Or simply put boot polish on your feet and put laces through the tops of your feet to give the impression of everlasting shoes.