The Jensen Owners' Club A technical and discussion forum for all Jensen enthusiasts It is currently Fri Jan 24, 2020 12:02 am

General Discussion

joke thread

You can discuss anything here, Jensen related or not. Technical discussions / questions may be moved to the correct Forum.

by Barrie » Tue May 15, 2007 4:30 pm

Wallace wrote:One minute I'm a perfectly understandable oxymoron and the next I'm a lune. Is this a split personality thing you have Brunhilda? I was however, dry and warm on Sunday counting the cash and admiring the space where that bike used to be. I will make a proper meeting this year, I might bring Sooty AND Sweep this time. :P

Mike

No, no, no, no, no.
You've got it all wrong.
It's not you that is the 'perfectly understandable oxymoron' but it's the fact that you're not an early riser (there are tablets for that) and yet you and Trousers had a pressing engagement. (Sweet) It's all to do with 'pressing' and 'rising'. Oh God, why do I bother...........
And as for Brunhilda you leave her out of this. She says it's all your fault.
First I'm Barrie, then London Geezer, then London Geezer with honours, and now I'm the 8th Earl of Fagash or whatever. No wonder I'm confused! So stop fiddling with my identity, I'm insecure enough as it is,
why do think I'm a bloody estate agent? Through choice?
Oh, give me strength; give me a Martini.
Brunhilda! Stop scratching your cat and come and give me a neck-rub.
PS Notwithstanding the above you are still a lune. (lovable)
User avatar
Barrie
Tupperware Extraordinaire!
 
Posts: 3896
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2006 11:32 pm
Location: South London, Westminster and Luxembourg

by Wallace » Tue May 15, 2007 5:53 pm

That radio show is well worth a listen, I'm tempted to protest myself!



An elephant comes across a snake for the first time. Intrigued, he asks,
"how do you walk without legs?"

"That's easy" says the snake, "I crawl."

"I see" replies the elephant, "but how do you reproduce without balls?'

"I say old chap that's a bit personal" hisses the snake annoyed at the
elephant's lack of tact.

"I'm sorry," says the elephant, a little
embarrassed, "I was just curious." "But what about eating? How do you eat without hands?

"Well," says the snake with some pride, "I just open my mouth wide, like
this..."

"Oh I see! " "Let's recapitulate, you're a crawler, you haven't got any balls and
you've got a big mouth...

I suppose you're in MANAGEMENT then..."
Wallace
 
Posts: 4433
Joined: Sun Jan 08, 2006 1:11 pm
Location: Staines, Middlesex

by Barrie » Tue May 15, 2007 6:06 pm

Not bitter then Wallace?

Has anyone seen Losty lately?
User avatar
Barrie
Tupperware Extraordinaire!
 
Posts: 3896
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2006 11:32 pm
Location: South London, Westminster and Luxembourg

by lostykitkat » Tue May 15, 2007 6:26 pm

Barrie wrote:
RAP72 wrote:Barrie

glad you understand my latin although I was expecting you to mention that the Hind Lick joke was in bad taste!! :(


I was left quaffing a perfectly acceptable Champagne with Rev. Mother Losty and the Monday Club but nobody to offer an Havana to.
(Sorry Sister Losty I didn’t ask you if your other habit was Cuban "“ n.b. a Cuban is the same as a Brazilian but further north.)


Thank you Barrie but I know what a cuban is.... don't do cubans but I have been known to do a cafe creme or two...

Don't think that I can be referred to as "Sister Losty" or "Rev Mother Losty" :shock:

Mazzeltov

ps Losty is busy sorting out a reasonably presentable after dinner speech for the local Round Table dinner on Thursday... ie if I dont balls it up we might just get a donation :cry:

pps can i not be 'lost for words' anymore - bored of it - i want a new one pleeeeease
"If I can't be a shining example, at least I can be a dreadful warning"

Interceptor 'H' Series MkIII - 128 / 4813 The "ASBO"
Maserati Quattroporte - on the naughty step
1968 Volvo Amazon 131 - my daily driver
User avatar
lostykitkat
V8 Lover
 
Posts: 576
Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:41 pm
Location: Chippenham

by RAP72 » Tue May 15, 2007 7:05 pm

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."


********************************************************************

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and the re's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
User avatar
RAP72
V8 Lover
 
Posts: 4009
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2005 7:11 pm
Location: Huntingdon, cambs

by John D » Thu May 17, 2007 7:06 am

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
>it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
>
>
>
>This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
>was a turtle disaster.
>
>
>
>I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
>I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
>
>
>
>I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
>"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
>
>>
>>I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
>Before End'
>
>
>
>I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
>"No, just a watch."
>
>
>
>I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
>said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
>
>
>
>My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
>>
>
>I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, I just couldn't put
>it down.
>
>
>
>I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and
>on.
>
>
>
>My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
>wouldn't do it if you paid me."
>
>
>
>I went to a Private Detective with a pencil and a piece of very thin
>paper.
>
>I said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
>
>
>
>I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre She said, "Are you having me
>on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
>anything."
>
>
>
>I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
>outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
>
>
>
>This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
>
>
>
>I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
>first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said I was closest.
>
>I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've
>been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
>
>
>
>I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
>splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
>or Thursdays."
>
>
>
>I went to the local video shop and I said, I said "Can I borrow about
>Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
>
User avatar
John D
 
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Feb 01, 2007 7:45 pm
Location: Louth

by Barrie » Thu May 17, 2007 7:27 am

Tommy Cooper lives!
Hellelujah!
User avatar
Barrie
Tupperware Extraordinaire!
 
Posts: 3896
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2006 11:32 pm
Location: South London, Westminster and Luxembourg

by RAP72 » Thu May 17, 2007 3:19 pm

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that
you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please
don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter
on the dining room table:



"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be
at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a
successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."


A Catholic priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech
at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen
a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."


Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
User avatar
RAP72
V8 Lover
 
Posts: 4009
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2005 7:11 pm
Location: Huntingdon, cambs

by John D » Thu May 17, 2007 8:02 pm

THE REDHEAD

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, "she replies. . . "





























"You just happened to catch my eye."


(oh shut up, and just forward it!)
User avatar
John D
 
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Feb 01, 2007 7:45 pm
Location: Louth

by Wallace » Sun May 20, 2007 9:00 am

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on that."

12. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home". "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have
look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'"

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, fat boy!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine'.
That was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places." The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night.
Wallace
 
Posts: 4433
Joined: Sun Jan 08, 2006 1:11 pm
Location: Staines, Middlesex

by Barrie » Sun May 20, 2007 11:42 pm

I'm passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
all could use more calm in our lives.



By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil's show, I have
finally found that inner peace.



Dr. Phil proclaimed - the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started.



So I looked around my house to see which things I have started and
hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning, I finished
off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bole of Bailees, a
butle of Kehuha, a pockage of Tim Toms , tha wemainder of boks Prozic
and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, sum leff ova pizza and a
baxa cholates.



Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.
User avatar
Barrie
Tupperware Extraordinaire!
 
Posts: 3896
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2006 11:32 pm
Location: South London, Westminster and Luxembourg

by John D » Mon May 21, 2007 6:41 am

User avatar
John D
 
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Feb 01, 2007 7:45 pm
Location: Louth

by Wallace » Mon May 21, 2007 8:40 am

I sat and read this to my other half and she nearly wet herself at the end..........

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport -I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said t

Somehow I lost the punchline, leaving me staring blankly at the screen, that's why she wet herself! Anyone know it?

Mike
Wallace
 
Posts: 4433
Joined: Sun Jan 08, 2006 1:11 pm
Location: Staines, Middlesex

by RAP72 » Mon May 21, 2007 9:27 am

Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor

"Your mother must have been a carrier"
User avatar
RAP72
V8 Lover
 
Posts: 4009
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2005 7:11 pm
Location: Huntingdon, cambs

by Wallace » Mon May 21, 2007 9:30 am

Perfect. I will text it to her to relieve the suspenders.

Thanks, Mike
Wallace
 
Posts: 4433
Joined: Sun Jan 08, 2006 1:11 pm
Location: Staines, Middlesex

PreviousNext

Return to General Discussion