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joke thread

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by Grant » Tue Aug 21, 2018 10:13 pm

Me: What’s the wifi password please?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that please?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
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by RAP72 » Wed Aug 22, 2018 7:08 am

11 Great One Liners

Here are eleven classic one-liners from some masters of the craft. Are they the best ever told?

Tim Vine – “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes”

Joan Rivers – “All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

Ken Dodd – “I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.”

Bob Monkhouse – “I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”

Jo Brand – "The way to a man's heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife."

Milton Jones – “I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”

Ross Noble – “How come Miss Universe is only ever won by people from Earth?”

Jimmy Carr – “A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘Alright, but we won’t get much done.”

Sarah Millican – "I saw a pair of knickers today – on the front it said, 'I would do anything for love' and on the back it said 'but I won't do that.'"

Tommy Cooper – "Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

Jack Whitehall – “I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
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by Grant » Sun Aug 26, 2018 11:11 pm

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the cinema.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn’t budge.

The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again,the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right My Ole fruit, what’s your name?”

“Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied, “The balcony!"Image
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by Grant » Sun Aug 26, 2018 11:45 pm

Jennifer, a manager
at Marks and Spenser, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening... After
sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she
found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the
four in and ask them only one
question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the
job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference
room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know
of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.
There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you
sir?' she asked the second man.
'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes
and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest
thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye,
that's a very popular cliché for speed.' She then turned to the
third man, who was
contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of
the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch,
way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an
instant.. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think
of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she
had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she
said.
Turning to Derek, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the
same question.
Old Derek replied, 'After hearing the previous three
answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is
DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the
response...
'Oh sure', said Derek. 'You see, the other day I wasn't
feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK,
or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already S**t myself.Image
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by Richie » Sun Sep 16, 2018 8:03 pm

.
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by RAP72 » Mon Oct 01, 2018 2:36 pm

German Humour :D
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by JHV8 » Mon Oct 01, 2018 3:36 pm

Warning Rude! From a golf buddy


The wife was trying to be sexy for me last night. When I came up the stairs, I found her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop.

Then she slipped it up her fanny.....


I said, "Careful with that, love.
You'll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow...."
16 valves but 4 extra pistons.

Rob d'Eca
JH-V8 - 13296
JOC No. 8081


https://www.printwell.london/deca/

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by Chris_R » Mon Oct 01, 2018 5:22 pm

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
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by RAP72 » Thu Oct 11, 2018 9:11 am

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by Arne » Thu Oct 18, 2018 4:11 pm

The really hard Brexit:
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Anchors aweigh!! Cast off !!

Save your cars!!
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by Chris C » Wed Oct 31, 2018 4:32 pm

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by RAP72 » Wed Dec 12, 2018 8:15 am

My wife isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
I'm not sure how... I didn't even know it was her birthday.

I was so happy and content as I watched the wife drift off last night.
Her dinghy's got a puncture and she's a poor swimmer.

A man tells his Rabbi, "I have a strong desire to live until eternity. What should I do?"
"Get married" said the Rabbi.
"It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?" He said.
The Rabbi replied, "No but the desire will disappear."

Last night after a few beers my mate asked if he could stay on my sofa.
I had to explain to him that I'm married now so that's where I sleep.

My wife said she's leaving me because I invade her privacy too often.
At least that's what it says in her diary.

As me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.
She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed."
So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.

Wife to husband "Let's go out and have some fun tonight!”
Husband: "Ok, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."

Wife accidentally hit our cat with her car.
The poor thing was asleep on the couch at the time.

My mate is thinking about asking his ex wife to re-marry him...
But he's worried she will think he is just after her for his money.

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers. "Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

My wife left me for another man. All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.
And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.

My wife left a note on the fridge, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to my mums house!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold. What is she talking about?

My wife said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.


*******************************************************************************************************************************

Paddy was all excited on the way down to the police station.

They had caught the burglar that had broken into his house early on Sunday morning, and Paddy wanted to meet him.

" Sorry Paddy, we cannot allow that. This is a matter for the courts" said the sergeant.

" Just 5 minutes please" said Paddy, " I just want to ask him how he got into the house without waking my wife!”
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by PaulMcElhinney » Wed Dec 12, 2018 9:14 am

I went to the doctor's. He said "You seem to be suffering from hypochondria." "I'm not surprised" I said "I've had everything else."
Paul McElhinney - Mk I 115/3309 in Positano yellow, FF Mk II 127/289.
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by Chris C » Sat Jan 19, 2019 5:21 pm

Q
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by ChrisL » Sun Jan 20, 2019 1:07 pm

Police Officer: Now then, your Royal Highness, explain how the accident happened.
Prince Philip: Well, I drove out of the gates and swerved to avoid a pheasant.
Police Officer: You mean you swerved to avoid a peasant?
Prince Philip: Don't be stupid man. Why on earth would I swerve to avoid a peasant?
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