joke thread

[RAP72]

Mmm

[rolando38]

King Dick Spanner?

F*ck'em I think, not sure of the spelling though

[Ian Northeast]

From the mouth of babes:

My Neice was asked by her teacher if she could spell the word 'straight'.

As she was successful with the spelling her teacher then asked her if she knew what it meant.

The answer was






'Of course, no water!'

[RAP72]

https://streamable.com/20pa" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[AH1951]

Jeremy Clarkson reported today on his exclusive drive in Sir James Dyson's new electric car.
His conclusion:
"It sucks."

[rolando38]

Every 10 years , a bunch of Jensen owners all of the same age decide to have a nice dinner together

When time came to decide where they would be celebrating their 40th anniversaries, they couldn't agree, when suddenly on of them suggested "why don't we go to the Lion, there's a nice waitress with big b..bs and always weearing sexy clothes there !
All of them agreed, and no sooner said than done

10 years later, for their 50th anniversaries, they gather again and wonder where they could dine all together "lt's go to the Lion, said one of them, the food is good and the wine card is plentyful"
All of them agreed, and no sooner said than done

10 years later, for their 60th anniversaries, they gather again and wonder where they could dine all together "let's go to the Lion, said one of them, it's very quiet and non-smoking"
All of them agreed, and no sooner said than done

10 years later, for their 70th anniversaries, they gather again and wonder where they could dine all together "let's go to the Lion, said one of them, the premises are adapted for rolling chairs and there is a lift"
All of them agreed, and no sooner said than done

Lately , for their 80th anniversaries , they still didn't know where to go , when suddenly one of them shouted "why don't we go to the Lion ?"
And all replied "brilliant idea ! we've never been there ! "

any similarity with any JoC members is a pure coincidence

[RAP72]

Auto-correct is my worst enema.


*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************


Ivan Milat is walking through the forest with a backpacker.

The backpacker says "Gee it's really scary out here at night."

Milat replies "How do you think I bloody feel? I have to walk back on my own!’


*************************************************************************************************************************************************************************


Tommy Cooper Lives on ....

>I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it
down.

>I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and
on.

>I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a
cat in there.

>I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays."

>I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'

>So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."

>I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

>So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

>I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

>My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

>So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

>My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't
do it if you paid me."

>So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.

>So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

>I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

>So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

>I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought that's Aboriginal.

>I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've
been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

[Pymmie]

This made me chuckle ....

John P

[Chris_R]

I don't get it, that's perfectly good advice.

[Chris C]

Ordering a pizza:


“Hello there – is this Gordon’s Pizza?”

“No, sir – it’s Google’s Pizza.”

“I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.”

“No, sir, this is the correct number. Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.”

“Oh! Okay then – I would like to order a pizza.”

“Do you want your usual, sir?”

“My usual? You know me?”

“According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.*

“Right! That’s just what I want.”

“May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten-free, thin crust?”

“What? I detest vegetables!”

“Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”

“How the hell do you know that?”

“Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”

“Okay, okay – but I don’t want your awful vegetable pizza – I already take medication for my cholesterol.”

“Excuse me, sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug sale Network, 4 months ago.”

“I bought more from another drugstore.”

“That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.”

“I paid in cash.”

“But you did not withdraw enough cash, according to your bank statement.”

“I have other sources of cash.”

“That doesn’t show on your last tax return, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.”

“WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !”

“I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.”

“Enough! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others!! I’m going to an island without the Internet, without cable TV – some place where there is no cell phone service and no one to spy on me!!”

“I understand, sir. But do you know that you need to renew your passport first? It expired 6 weeks ago.”

[kenny38]

Bloke walked in to a pet shop. "have you got any nice parrots" he said. "of course" replied the assistant. "Here's a nice one" and he showed him a perfectly normal looking parrot. "Nah" said the bloke " what i really, really want is a south american type one and i will pay top money for it" The assistant said "we only have one big beautiful parrot like that" and he took the man to another room where this magnificent bird was in a cage. "That's what i want" yelled the man "how much?" "sorry she's not for sale" said the assistant. "Nonsense" said the man "everything is for sale name your price". Well the assistant thought about it for a minute and then said "10K will do it" The bloke was stunned but wrote a cheque. The assistant was intrigued and asked why the customer wanted this bird so much. The man explained he had been invited to his neighbour's house for a theme party and there was a bottle of fake champers for most authentic costume. "You see i intend going as a pirate with that bird on my shoulder and that should win the bottle" The customer then asked "how much to kill and stuff this parrot so it doesnt jump off my shoulder", "That is terrible" said the assistant "however she is your bird, when do you want to pick her up". "better leave it for a week" said the customer," i am having one of my legs off on Monday". Kenny38

[Grant]

Brilliant ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^... That really made me Laugh Chris... I then read it to the daughter and wife

[Richie]

Not a joke - true story and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
When Alyssa Stringfellow from Arkansas, US, tried to get insured on her grandmother's car it seems she got a bit mixed up by the details requested.
Alyssa explained that the insurers "would need my driver's license number, my date of birth, and a picture straight on and a picture taken from each side".
Instead of sending pictures of her car, Alyssa sent the insurers side and front photos of herself. What's worrying is that Alyssa is a teacher...

[RAP72]

I received this today not sure it should be in the Joke Section but....


Brexit negotiations simplified in a nutshell



David Davis is at the golf club returning his locker key when Mr Barnier the Membership Secretary sees him.

"Hello Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier. "I'm sorry to hear you are no longer renewing your club membership. If you would like to come to my office we can settle your account".

"I have settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis..

"Ah yes Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier, "but there are other matters that need settlement"

In Mr Barnier’s office Mr Davis explains that he has settled his bar bill so wonders what else he can possibly owe the Golf Club?

"Well Mr Davis" begins Mr Barnier, "you did agree to buy one of our Club Jackets".

"Yes" agrees Mr Davis "I did agree to buy a jacket but I haven't received it yet. As soon as you supply the jacket I will send you a cheque for the full amount".

"That will not be possible" explains Mr Barnier. "As you are no longer a club member you will not be entitled to buy one of our jackets"!

"But you still want me to pay for it" exclaims Mr Davis.

"Yes" says Mr Barnier, "That will be £500 for the jacket. There is also your bar bill".

"But I've already settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis.

"Yes" says Mr Barnier, "but as you can appreciate, we need to place our orders with the Brewery in advance to ensure our bar is properly stocked. You regularly used to spend at least £50 a week in the bar so we have placed orders with the brewery accordingly for the coming year. You therefore owe us £2600 for the year".

"Will you still allow me to have these drinks?" asks Mr Davis.

"No of course not Mr Davis. You are no longer a club member!" says Mr Barnier.

"Next is your restaurant bill" continues Mr Barnier. "In the same manner we have to make arrangements in advance with our catering suppliers. Your average restaurant bill was in the order of £300 a month, so we'll require payment of £3600 for the next year".

"I don't suppose you'll be letting me have these meals either" asks Mr Davis..

"No, of course not" says an irritated Mr Barnier, "you are no longer a club member!"

"Then of course" Mr Barnier continues, "there are repairs to the clubhouse roof".

"Clubhouse roof" exclaims Mr Davis, "What's that got to do with me?"

"Well it still needs to be repaired and the builders are coming in next week.. Your share of the bill is £2000".

"I see" says Mr Davis, "anything else?".

"Now you mention it" says Mr Barnier, "there is Fred the Barman's pension. We would like you to pay £5 a week towards Fred's pension when he retires next month. He's not well you know so I doubt we'll need to ask you for payment for longer than about five years, so £1300 should do it.

This brings your total bill to £10,000" says Mr Barnier.

"Let me get this straight" says Mr Davis, "you want me to pay £500 for a jacket you won't let me have, £2600 for beverages you won't let me drink and £3600 for food you won't let me eat, all under a roof I won't be allowed under and not served by a bloke who's going to retire next month!"

"Yes, it's all perfectly clear and quite reasonable" says Mr Barnier.

"Get lost!" says Mr Davis
(if only . . . !)

[Richie]

I think we've seen this before but ...