joke thread

[Han Kamp]

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[Chris C]

Two Arabs board a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

> Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

> After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'

> 'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

> As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.'

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

> While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

> As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours,

> 'Why does it have to be this way?'
> 'How long must this go on ? This fighting between our nations?

> This hatred?

> This animosity?

> This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'

[ChrisL]

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[todd]

Musical Octopus Joke
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. So talented that he can play any musical instrument in the world.

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin’ it up. So the man pays up his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.

“Ha!” the Scot says. “Can’t you play it?”

The octopus looks up at him and says, “Play it? I’m going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”

[ChrisL]

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[Chris_R]

I saw this on Facebook and I am still waiting for an explanation for why you need to wait until the wife is out to use the parts washer. Perhaps someone on this forum can explain it to me.

[colin7673]

I saw this on Facebook and I am still waiting for an explanation for why you need to wait until the wife is out to use the parts washer. Perhaps someone on this forum can explain it to me.

Not everybody has an understand wife Chris, some wife's believe that a dishwasher is to wash dishes.

[Kevin Birch]

A few years ago, my wife suddenly realised that pipe cleaners were for cleaning (smoking) pipes, the clue is in what they are called!!! If I'd have realised earlier, I could have used the dishwasher, and told her it was a parts washer, good enough to do the dishes. Unfortunately the Chrysler engine block is too big and heavy to fit in it.

[DaveT]

How would you recognise a dyslexic Yorkshireman?





He's the one wearing the cat flap!

[Frankoid]

I sent my hearing aid off for repairs. I haven't heard anything since.....

[VFK44]

I am still waiting for an explanation for why you need to wait until the wife is out to use the parts washer.

Because when your wife is away for a week and you think, "what harm can putting a rocker cover in the dishwasher do?", you then spend a week trying to get the oil stains off the filter and all the plates washed afterwards have a faintly smoky flavour. Allegedly.

Although that was with the cover on the top shelf; maybe better it would have worked better on the bottom shelf with all the pots.

[RAP72]

Great quote

David Lloyd on oysters:

“It’s said they put lead in your pencil but I’ve nobody to write to.”

[RAP72]

I have put this in the joke thread. Or is it?

[colin7673]

I have put this in the joke thread. Or is it?

This is what America needs, more people with more guns...

[RAP72]

It doesn’t take long for the British Humor to get around.