joke thread

[Richie]

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription
... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough."

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book !!”

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called,’Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"

Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper – so I’d be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day!

Husband to wife – “Today is a fine day."
Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.”
Again, next day, he says same thing – “Today is a fine day."
Finally, after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – “Since last week, you have been saying 'Today is a fine day.'" I am fed up. What’s the matter?”
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you ......”

[Grant]

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription
... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough."

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book !!”

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called,’Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"

Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper – so I’d be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day!

Husband to wife – “Today is a fine day."
Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.”
Again, next day, he says same thing – “Today is a fine day."
Finally, after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – “Since last week, you have been saying 'Today is a fine day.'" I am fed up. What’s the matter?”
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you ......”

Brilliant Jokes Richie ... Lara (my wife) had made me a cheese and ham toastie for brews and whilst having my sarny and coffee I read them all out aloud ,, brilliant jokes we laughed at them all

[RAP72]

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humour.
And creative!!!

When U Black, U Black!

When I was born, I was BLACK

When I grew up, I was BLACK

When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK

When I got cold, I was BLACK

When I was scared, I was BLACK

When I was sick, I was BLACK

And when I die, I’ll still be BLACK

NOW, you 'white' folks . ..

When you’re born, you're PINK

When you grow up, you’re WHITE

When you go in the sun, you get RED

When you’re cold, you turn BLUE

When you’re scared, you're YELLOW

When you get sick, you’re GREEN

When you bruise, you turn PURPLE

And when you die, you look GREY

So why y'all be callin' us

COLORED Folks!!!

[RAP72]

[VFK44]

Working our way back to the very first joke published on this Forum!

[RAP72]

Military Discipline

An army major called his wife to tell her that he would be late home because dirty magazines had been found in the barracks, and the soldiers responsible were facing serious disciplinary action.
"The punishment sounds a little harsh" she said. "After all, most of the soldiers have pictures of women on the walls of their quarters".
"No, honey," he explained patiently. "Dirty magazines means the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned properly!"

[taximan]

Working our way back to the very first joke published on this Forum!

So who is the dead donkey?

Shaun.

[Pymmie]

Made me chuckle - how true

John P

[RAP72]

I was worried that the mechanic would rip me off because I was a blonde woman.

Imagine my relief when I found out that I only needed indicator fluid.

[RAP72]

.

[RAP72]

[RAP72]

I suppose the tool would be a Knig Dcik

[RAP72]

As I average said before it doesn't take long.

[RAP72]

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT
WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was
deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table

and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking;

I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

"The man responded in a loud voice: "£500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT
PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her: "I study law and know how to screw people."

[rolando38]

a young teacher asks her primary school pupils:
"in your opinion, what would be the most pleasant way to die ?"
. Julie raises her hands and says" just like my grand father"
. "oh, and how did your grandfather die Julie ?"
. "he just fell asleep"
. "indeed, and in your opinion what would we the most horrendous way to die ?"
. Julie raised her hand again and said "just like my grandfather's friends"
. "I see, and how did they die ?"
. "they were in granddad's car when he fell asleep"