BIG BIRD
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, xxx€œWhat's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. xxx€œExcuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
joke thread
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
means a smile and
is a frown.
Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
means a smile and is a frown.Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
-
Barrie
- Tupperware Extraordinaire!
- Posts: 4047
- Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2006 11:32 pm
- Location: Sydenham Hill and Luxembourg
Hi Rap!
A message from the Tupperware Corp.
If we don't get a joke a day from you we'll send round the emergency services to resuscitate you.
Cod Latin:
Don't you think you ought to update 'semper ubi sub ubi' to some thing a bit more trendy?
I suggest 'Nihil Commando!'
A message from the Tupperware Corp.
If we don't get a joke a day from you we'll send round the emergency services to resuscitate you.
Cod Latin:
Don't you think you ought to update 'semper ubi sub ubi' to some thing a bit more trendy?
I suggest 'Nihil Commando!'
“Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people." Garrison Keillor
Extracts from letters from British Council House tenants complaining about problems with their housing and/or neighbours.........
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. Itʼs the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof; I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9 I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat, would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2 .
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. Itʼs the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof; I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9 I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat, would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2 .
I rear ended a car over the week-end... I tell you, it was a really bad day!
I got out to examine the damage and exhange details etc. the other driver got out and he was a dwarf!!
He looked at the damage, looked up at me and said, "I am not happy."
I said, "So, which one are you then?"
That's how the fight started ...
I got out to examine the damage and exhange details etc. the other driver got out and he was a dwarf!!
He looked at the damage, looked up at me and said, "I am not happy."
I said, "So, which one are you then?"
That's how the fight started ...
The Way of life.......
On the first day, God created the dog & said: "sit all day by the door of your house & bark @ anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years & I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey & said: "Entertain people, do tricks, & make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said:" Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you ten back like the dog did?"
God agreed
On the third day, God created the cow & said: "you must go into the field with the farmer all day long & suffer under the sun, have calves & give milk to support the farmers family. For this I will give you the life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How bout twenty & I'll give back the other forty?"
God agreed again.
On the forth day, God created man & said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry & enjoy your life for this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, & the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty ok?"
"Ok" said God "You asked for it"
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play & enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch & bark @ everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.......
On the first day, God created the dog & said: "sit all day by the door of your house & bark @ anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years & I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey & said: "Entertain people, do tricks, & make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said:" Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you ten back like the dog did?"
God agreed
On the third day, God created the cow & said: "you must go into the field with the farmer all day long & suffer under the sun, have calves & give milk to support the farmers family. For this I will give you the life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How bout twenty & I'll give back the other forty?"
God agreed again.
On the forth day, God created man & said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry & enjoy your life for this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, & the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty ok?"
"Ok" said God "You asked for it"
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play & enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch & bark @ everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.......
-
Ian Northeast
- Posts: 495
- Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2006 1:06 pm
- Location: Horley, Surrey
- Contact:
>>>The late Mr. Common Sense
>>> >
>>> > Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,
>>> > who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old
>>> > he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic
>>> > red tape.
>>>He
>>> > will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
>>> > Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets
>>> > the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
>>> >
>>> > Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't
>>> > spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults,
>>> > not
>>>children,
>>> > are in charge).
>>> >
>>> > His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned, but
>>> > overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old
>>> > boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
>>>suspended
>>> > from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired
>>> > for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
>>> >
>>> > Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing
>>> > the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining
>>> > their unruly children.
>>> >
>>> > It declined even further when schools were required to get
>>> > parental consent to administer first aid cream, sun lotion or a
>>> > band-aid to a student.
>>> >
>>> > Common Sense lost the will to live as churches became businesses
>>> > and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
>>> >
>>> > Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from
>>> > a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for
>>> > assault.
>>> >
>>> > Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman
>>> > failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She
>>> > spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge
>>> > settlement.
>>> >
>>> > Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and
>>> > Trust;
>>>his
>>> > wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,
>>> > Reason.
>>> >
>>> > He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone
>>> > Else
>>>Is
>>> > To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
>>> >
>>> > Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
>>> > If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority
>>> > and do nothing.
>>> >
>>> > Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,
>>> > who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old
>>> > he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic
>>> > red tape.
>>>He
>>> > will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
>>> > Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets
>>> > the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
>>> >
>>> > Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't
>>> > spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults,
>>> > not
>>>children,
>>> > are in charge).
>>> >
>>> > His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned, but
>>> > overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old
>>> > boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
>>>suspended
>>> > from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired
>>> > for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
>>> >
>>> > Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing
>>> > the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining
>>> > their unruly children.
>>> >
>>> > It declined even further when schools were required to get
>>> > parental consent to administer first aid cream, sun lotion or a
>>> > band-aid to a student.
>>> >
>>> > Common Sense lost the will to live as churches became businesses
>>> > and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
>>> >
>>> > Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from
>>> > a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for
>>> > assault.
>>> >
>>> > Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman
>>> > failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She
>>> > spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge
>>> > settlement.
>>> >
>>> > Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and
>>> > Trust;
>>>his
>>> > wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,
>>> > Reason.
>>> >
>>> > He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone
>>> > Else
>>>Is
>>> > To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
>>> >
>>> > Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
>>> > If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority
>>> > and do nothing.
>>> >
>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >
>>> >
>>> >I knew they would come in handy one day.>>> >
>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >
>>> >
>>> >I knew they would come in handy one day.>>> >
-
Barrie
- Tupperware Extraordinaire!
- Posts: 4047
- Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2006 11:32 pm
- Location: Sydenham Hill and Luxembourg
I know!Wallace wrote:>>> >
>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >>>> >
>>> >>>> >
>>> >
>>> >I knew they would come in handy one day.>>> >
It's Concorde.
If not Concorde it's a Vulcan Bomber.
No, that not it, it's,... it's,.. it's Wallace.
Wallace has lost his marbles. He's finally gone.
Wallace old love, you've got too much time on your hands. I really must get Freud to visit you and give you an injection of real life. Expect a call at any time.
Tsar Tupperware
“Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people." Garrison Keillor
-
lostykitkat
- V8 Lover
- Posts: 576
- Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:41 pm
- Location: Chippenham
- Contact:
nooooo it looks like one of the space ships on my bbc model b computer game back in the early 80's 
"If I can't be a shining example, at least I can be a dreadful warning"
Interceptor 'H' Series MkIII - 128 / 4813 The "ASBO"
Maserati Quattroporte - on the naughty step
1968 Volvo Amazon 131 - my daily driver
Interceptor 'H' Series MkIII - 128 / 4813 The "ASBO"
Maserati Quattroporte - on the naughty step
1968 Volvo Amazon 131 - my daily driver
kindergartners
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use xxx€œBig Peopleâ€
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use xxx€œBig Peopleâ€