joke thread

[RAP72]

to get back to the point herr docktor

Found this amusing letter to Milliband on the net:


Bob Durward (chairman of the classical liberal New Party) wrote this to
to David Milliband.

To: Rt Hon David Milliband MP
Secretary of State, DEFRA
17 Smith Square
London SW1P 3JR

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, received a cheque for xxx£3,000
from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I now want to join
the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and
which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach
this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the
EU under the Common Agriculture Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you
want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any
advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester
Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an
accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any
Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs
for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was xxx£1,422 in
1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing
any.

If I get xxx£3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get xxx£6,000 for not rearing
100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about
4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about xxx£240,000 for the first year.
Then I can afford to buy an aeroplane.

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000
tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing
crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the
pigs I didn't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any
information you have on that too. Please could you also include the
Government information on set aside fields? Can this be done on an
e-commerce basis with virtual fields?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed,
and will qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course vote for you at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,

Und a nutter vun i herd in the alps



>A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
>Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of
>meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
>The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged
>their dad for the clue.
>"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."
>The little girl screams,
>"Don't eat it...
>... it's a f**king politician!!!!!!!!

[soggykitkat]

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

[Barrie]

Hopefully it'll be ready for Sandwell

2008?

As for the con-soul, I didn't think EA's had soul's although I have heard them called similar.

Nope!
2007
See you there.
Partagas D4 do you?


PS as for the estate agents gibes, you bin talking to Sister Losty?
am i bovvered?
Probably

[Wallace]

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to s*it yourself when I tell you the price."

[Barrie]

Boom Boom Wallace

A Tale from the shores of Lake Woebegone

An unfortunate fellow is with his doctor.
xxx€œAnd how’s your sex life?"

[RAP72]

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
>
>After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real
>distress,and two locals, Sean and Ryan sitting at the next table
>turned to look at her.
>
>"Kin ya swaller?" asked Sean
>
>The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.
>
>"Kin ya breathe?" asked Ryan. The woman shook her head 'No!!!'
>
>With that, Sean walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
>yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
>her bum.
>
>This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction
>flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Sean swaggered
>back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
>
>Ryan said in admiration "Ya know Sean, I'd heard of that bloody Hind
>Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."

[Barrie]

semper ubi sub ubi

Nah!
Go commando!

[RAP72]

Barrie

glad you understand my latin although I was expecting you to mention that the Hind Lick joke was in bad taste!!

[Barrie]

Barrie

glad you understand my latin although I was expecting you to mention that the Hind Lick joke was in bad taste!!

Don't go there Steve, just don't.
And whilst discipline is being applied, where were you at Sandwell?.................Well ??
First Wallace, then you.
Absent.
Wallace's excuse was that he's not an early riser and he had a pressing engagement with his Trousers. (a perfectly understandable oxymoron)
Ergo, (Latin for rowing machine?) I was left quaffing a perfectly acceptable Champagne with Rev. Mother Losty and the Monday Club but nobody to offer an Havana to.
(Sorry Sister Losty I didn’t ask you if your other habit was Cuban "“ n.b. a Cuban is the same as a Brazilian but further north.)
So, Rap72, when are you coming out to play again?

[RAP72]

I am not allowed out to play with the big boys. My wife has made me go back to work during the week, even though the RAF said I was to old to work. And I still have all the house work to do but only have the week end to do it in. It was my birthday last week and if it had not been a bank holiday Monday I would have had to go to work then. I could go on about how expensive it is to hire a castle for my daughters wedding in August but then again i could say I don't take the car out in the wet

but

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.

He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly

and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear
power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat
the same stuff, grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets,
the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of
dried poop

Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the
slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know magnolia?"

[Davenewby]

Hey Barrie, if we had actually met at Sandwell, I would gladly have shared a decent Havana with you, but unfortunately, due to the rain (have I mentioned before, that it rained ), I seem to have been marooned at the other end of the stand with nothing better than a "mini-cigar" to comfort me
David

[Barrie]

Steve.
You have a Mk 1 Interceptor (the 1960's icon)
You have a wife. (the idol of your life)
Female progeny (ante-matrimony)
A job (something to do between home & Jensens)
Celebratio anniverso ( Many happy returns)
All these good things and yet you don't want to immerse your Interceptor.

Hmmmm!
Next patient please.

Siggy.

[Barrie]

Hey Barrie, if we had actually met at Sandwell, I would gladly have shared a decent Havana with you, but unfortunately, due to the rain (have I mentioned before, that it rained ), I seem to have been marooned at the other end of the stand with nothing better than a "mini-cigar" to comfort me
David

In that case..........
try not to give up smoking before the National.

The 8th Earl of Asherton (Or whatever name that lune Wallace has decided to lumber me with)

[Wallace]

One minute I'm a perfectly understandable oxymoron and the next I'm a lune. Is this a split personality thing you have Brunhilda? I was however, dry and warm on Sunday counting the cash and admiring the space where that bike used to be. I will make a proper meeting this year, I might bring Sooty AND Sweep this time.

Mike

[RAP72]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/comedy/markthomas.shtml


this was/is one of the funniest radio programmes I have heard in a long time - about 30 mins but worth a listen.

still at work opps