joke thread

[Barrie]

Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor

"Your mother must have been a carrier"

Brilliant, Rap!
Your turn to wear the crown.

What's all this about Wallaces' Wiz wearing suspenders.
With Wallace about to undergo the knife I think he'll burst his stiches even before he's had 'em put in.
And I thought this forum was all about cars

Barrie or Scott or whatever.

[RAP72]

Mario stopped at a local cafe, following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila and anti-freeze, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What isa that you justa served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor Mario, you have excellent taste! Those are called "˜Cojones de Toro’ they are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
Mario said, "Cor a blimey mate, I wanna try a some of them."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor Mario. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, Mario returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are a delicious, but they are a much, a much smaller than the ones I saw a you serve a yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor Mario. Sometimes the bull wins. "

and whilst not really a joke there is a tinge of truth in the following

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it."

"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, set them down for a moment if you can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!"

[Wallace]

Subject: FW: Words with two Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's bonnet.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra! -bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before disappearing down the pub with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to chat up other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;


He said; I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put inside it.
She said; You wear pants don't you?


He said; Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said; That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said; What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said; Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said; Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said; I would but you're never there.

He said; Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said; They don't have time.

[RAP72]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"


A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said:'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused......then asked the class:"And what do you think the man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly "I think the man would have said:"Well,flower me! A talking pig!"


I pulled an older woman at a club last night.
She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:


"Mum you still awake?"


and for Johbbie Cash fans
http://www.bentbay.dk/ring_of_Fire.htm

[CJ]

Freshly nicked from another forum i frequent.

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the Lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's
Go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."


CJ.

[RAP72]

Why We Love Children

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in
surprise. "You
know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't
move"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy
thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and
keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan,
come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with
a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't
dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was
broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little
girl
was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the
minister leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your
Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the minister's
clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember
Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but
what's growing in your bum?"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus
five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of abitch
is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are
you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
asked
"Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next
day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right
now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching
them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the
teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two
plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

A certain little girl, when
asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must
say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School,
and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I
thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough. The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next
to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack
cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
muffin." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

[RAP72]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods .
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime.

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick any night."

[Barrie]

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens."Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason".
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "El Presidente?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"

[RAP72]

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared
away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice pigs,
Sir!"

The President replies, "Son, these are not pigs. These are authentic
Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and one
for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says ...

"Excellent Trade, Sir!"

[RAP72]

The Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with the lads. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realising my mrs would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her "Midnight". She didn't seem pissed off at all. Phew! Got away with that one!

Then she added, "We must need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked her why?, she said ........"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh*t", cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[RAP72]

george bush


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0PMbpRe208


and
P E A N U T S

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady,
why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,?
"We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

[RAP72]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him, looks down and says. "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 12-
inch private part and 3 pound per testicle, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels
down and shaking him manages to brings him to. The big guy says, "What's
wrong with you?"
In a weak voice, the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I
weigh 350 pounds, I have a 12-inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds
each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guys says, "Turner Brown?! ... Whew, Thank God! I thought you
said 'Turn around'!"

[Barrie]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a xxx£3000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow xxx£3000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)


(its a real treat)



(a masterpiece)


(wait for it)





The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(Oh God Barrie! How could you? That's terrible!)

[John D]

HYPNOTIST IN THE SENIOR CENTRE

It was entertainment at the senior centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced:
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you
each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a 100 pieces.

"magnolia!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the senior centre!

[RAP72]

Sorry but it has been a hard day in the Office!

No 1
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're Hookers ! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
No2
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said xxx€œIf you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"