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joke thread

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by Grant » Tue Dec 24, 2019 11:50 am

The teacher at school stands in front of the class and says.."Today children I want one of you to stand up and give me a sentence with the word "Contagious" in it.. Little Suzie stands up and say's "Yes Miss, there is a terrible sickness going around called the noravirus,, this is very contagious", very good Suzie says the the teacher you get 2 stars for that :wink: .. Little Johnny stands up and says "Yes miss.. My Dad looked out of the bedroom window the otherday and said Oh look, the man next door is cutting his lawn with a pair of scissors.. that'l take that C*ntages" :P
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by RAP72 » Fri Dec 27, 2019 1:14 pm

~ When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
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~ To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it
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~ When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
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~ Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
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~ Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”
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~ I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
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~ I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
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~ Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
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~ If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?
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~ When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
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~ Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.
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~ I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
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~ I run like the winded.
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~ I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
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~ When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
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~ I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
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~ When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
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~ I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
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~ When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
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~ Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
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~ That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
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~ Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
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~ The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
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~ My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
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by Steve Payne » Thu Jan 16, 2020 8:42 pm

Originally we had Empires run by Emperors, then we had Kingdoms run by Kings but now we have Countries. :lol:

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by Chris_R » Thu Jan 16, 2020 9:47 pm

I don't get it, what are Countries run by?
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by Grant » Thu Jan 16, 2020 9:50 pm

Steve Payne wrote:Originally we had Empires run by Emperors, then we had Kingdoms run by Kings but now we have Countries. :lol:
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by RAP72 » Thu Jan 16, 2020 11:08 pm

Chris_R wrote:I don't get it, what are Countries run by?



Counts obviously
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by AH1951 » Mon Jan 20, 2020 9:34 am

I'm posting this here because for a father and son buying two cars from McLaren Manchester, it seems to have turned into a bad joke.
It's a 40-minute video on YouTube and a bit slow-paced but shocking and entertaining.
(I'm retired so I've nothing else to do.)
Anyway, that's McLaren off my Lottery List.
I hope I receive better treatment when I collect my Bugatti Chiron.
:) :) :)
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by Frankoid » Wed Jan 22, 2020 11:04 am

Hollywood is going to make a new film about a cross dressing sheik.

Its going to be called "Florence of Arabia"..

Another film in the pipeline is about a civil rights lawyer in the deep south of the USA who turns to drink.

Its title,... "Tequila Mockingbird.."
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by RockyUSA » Wed Jan 22, 2020 2:39 pm

Have you heard of the movie about the Hindu guys in the big city who love the old American West?

It’s called “Turban Cowboy”!
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by CJ » Fri Jan 24, 2020 8:35 pm

My Uncle Mike was found with a belt around his neck and a dildo sticking out his ass.
At his funeral the Minister said he would always be remembered for his charity work..................WRONG :shock:

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by RAP72 » Sat Jan 25, 2020 10:14 pm

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb idiot put him up there to begin with."

......Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard!!!
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by AH1951 » Sun Feb 09, 2020 8:17 am

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by AH1951 » Wed Feb 26, 2020 8:35 am

This happened a few months ago.
But what a great headline!
:) :) :)

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by RAP72 » Thu Feb 27, 2020 8:37 am

O’Toole applied for a forklift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to O’Toole and said: "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job."
And why would you be doing that? replied O'Toole, "We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job?"
The manager responded, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
That's simple. On question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down -
'I don't know.'
You put down - 'Neither do I.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A married man was having an affair With his secretary. One day they went to her place
And made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep And woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed And told his lover to take his shoes Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said,
"You lying B'astard you have been playing golf".
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it Was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though It was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the Teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically Impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher Asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading “50 Shades of Grey”...... On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So--- Here I am!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Marilyn," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his face."
"He's an ass-hole," Dave said. "I could p'iss on him." "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, F'uck him then" said Dave.
"I did", said Marilyn, "You're back at work on Monday ...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to Persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and Say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
~~~~~~~
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by Heeley » Fri Feb 28, 2020 4:16 pm

What a performance getting glow plugs for my van!


Halfords didn't have any glow plugs in stock until Friday.


Eventually found a stockist, called them to confirm that they did indeed have them.


Took an Uber down there....


Walked in to the motor factors with a big smile on my face and said to the girl behind the desk "I understand you do glow plugs"


She slapped me and got the manager to throw me out.


How was I to know that she had hearing difficulties ?

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