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joke thread

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by Grant » Tue Dec 24, 2019 11:50 am

The teacher at school stands in front of the class and says.."Today children I want one of you to stand up and give me a sentence with the word "Contagious" in it.. Little Suzie stands up and say's "Yes Miss, there is a terrible sickness going around called the noravirus,, this is very contagious", very good Suzie says the the teacher you get 2 stars for that :wink: .. Little Johnny stands up and says "Yes miss.. My Dad looked out of the bedroom window the otherday and said Oh look, the man next door is cutting his lawn with a pair of scissors.. that'l take that C*ntages" :P
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by RAP72 » Fri Dec 27, 2019 1:14 pm

~ When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
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~ To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it
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~ When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
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~ Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
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~ Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”
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~ I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
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~ I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
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~ Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
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~ If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?
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~ When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
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~ Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.
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~ I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
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~ I run like the winded.
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~ I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
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~ When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
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~ I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
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~ When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
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~ I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
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~ When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
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~ Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
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~ That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
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~ Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
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~ The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
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~ My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
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by Steve Payne » Thu Jan 16, 2020 8:42 pm

Originally we had Empires run by Emperors, then we had Kingdoms run by Kings but now we have Countries. :lol:

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by Chris_R » Thu Jan 16, 2020 9:47 pm

I don't get it, what are Countries run by?
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by Grant » Thu Jan 16, 2020 9:50 pm

Steve Payne wrote:Originally we had Empires run by Emperors, then we had Kingdoms run by Kings but now we have Countries. :lol:
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by RAP72 » Thu Jan 16, 2020 11:08 pm

Chris_R wrote:I don't get it, what are Countries run by?



Counts obviously
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by AH1951 » Mon Jan 20, 2020 9:34 am

I'm posting this here because for a father and son buying two cars from McLaren Manchester, it seems to have turned into a bad joke.
It's a 40-minute video on YouTube and a bit slow-paced but shocking and entertaining.
(I'm retired so I've nothing else to do.)
Anyway, that's McLaren off my Lottery List.
I hope I receive better treatment when I collect my Bugatti Chiron.
:) :) :)
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by Frankoid » Wed Jan 22, 2020 11:04 am

Hollywood is going to make a new film about a cross dressing sheik.

Its going to be called "Florence of Arabia"..

Another film in the pipeline is about a civil rights lawyer in the deep south of the USA who turns to drink.

Its title,... "Tequila Mockingbird.."
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by RockyUSA » Wed Jan 22, 2020 2:39 pm

Have you heard of the movie about the Hindu guys in the big city who love the old American West?

It’s called “Turban Cowboy”!
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by CJ » Fri Jan 24, 2020 8:35 pm

My Uncle Mike was found with a belt around his neck and a dildo sticking out his ass.
At his funeral the Minister said he would always be remembered for his charity work..................WRONG :shock:

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by RAP72 » Sat Jan 25, 2020 10:14 pm

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb idiot put him up there to begin with."

......Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard!!!
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by AH1951 » Sun Feb 09, 2020 8:17 am

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